36 is killing me!

I thought you were supposed to go through a mid-life crisis at 40. Not me. 36 seems to be the magical number. Maybe because I am now in to the second half of my 30's. In any case, it seems that an total and utter reevaluation of my life and habits is in order.

I mentioned some time ago that I was undergoing a spiritual crisis (and for all of you who commented on my blog and facebook note, "Muchas gracias!"), but that's just one part of my life that has been going under some major scrutiny. (And, for the record, the spiritual thing is still in process...I have made no determinations yet.)

I've been evaluating how I have spent my time thus far, and where I hope to go from here. When I was young I don't think I ever envisioned a life where I would be working as a secretary and just occupying my time with house work, kids sports and other "normal life" stuff. I had dreams of being in a big city, writing novels or acting or....?? Mostly, just being out, alive and active. As some of you have seen evidence of, I've been doing more of that lately (going out dancing with the girls), and I have been making plans for more activities this summer and beyond :D

I have determined to be less concerned with what others think of me, and just be ME. I thought I had gotten beyond all that many years ago, but as I've been doing my "mid-life overhaul" I've realized that I was looking to other examples that I believed to be "the right way" to parent, be a wife, be a woman, etc. and becoming increasingly unhappy. Why? I was trying to be someone I wasn't, and (when it came right down to it) didn't really even want to be. So, from now on I'm doing my best to be true to who I am. Oh, I know there are areas I need some major work on (no doubt about that), but how I go about making those changes is going to look different.

The saddest part about getting older...the body degrades.
Metabolism slows.
Wrinkles form.
Skin gets thinner.
Things droop and sag.

Men seem to get better -- more distinguished -- while women just get old. Did you know that men have skin that is twice as thick as women? Big deal, right? Well, that thick skin is what keeps them from having dimpled, cellulite-ridden thighs and arses. Added to the fact that men have more lean mass and lose weight easier, I'm beginning to really resent them all!

I've seen a fair amount of women my age starting to really kick the weight loss and exercise in to gear. I think we all just hummed along, content as could be with our lives and our bodies, convinced we could just fix it all up in a jiffy, when WHAM! -- one day we look in the mirror and don't recognize that old lady looking back at us. Not there yet my lady friends?? Ah, you will be, you will be...

So, let me hear from you. Any parts of your life that you have been reexamining or are determined to change? Anyone been (or are) where I am in this mid-life crisis thing? If so, give me a call and we'll go out dancing!!

When I'm an Old Woman

Have you seen that Kaiser commercial that has the line, "When I grow up, I want to be an old woman"? Every time I watch it I wait eagerly for the part close to the end where it shows an old lady shaking her stuff in a cheer leading outfit and pom-poms. Man, when I grow old, I want to be like her! She looks like she is loving life, still active, and doesn't give a rip about looking silly or what people will think or say about her.

It got me to thinking though...what type of old lady do I want to be? I've been observing the elderly more lately and have made some determinations about what I do and don't want to be like. I most definitely do not want to be an old fuddy-duddy. I don't want to be a person who gasps when they see a wild haircut or style of dress. I don't want to be so closed off from what is happening in the real world that I think everyone should still look and act like they did in "my day".

When I had the opportunity to help take care of an elderly couple a few years ago, I was worried at first about what they would think of me. I never dressed outrageous or scantily, but I had my nose pierced and I have a tattoo. I had already encountered people who treated me like crap because of that, so I was concerned that I might offend this couple as well. Well, not only were they not offended, the little old lady (Edith) said my nose piercing looked nice. COOL! Not only that, she wore jeans! Yes, a nearly 80 year old woman still looked great in a pair of Levi's. THAT is the kind of old woman I want to be.

I also want to stay mentally sharp. O.k., some of you are probably thinking, "Don't you mean GET mentally sharp?!" But in either case, I want to make sure that I never stop learning. My grandmother is a great role model for this -- she still reads a lot, attends classes, travels, etc. She has never been content to just stick with what she knows...there's that thirst for more knowledge that drives her.

I also want to be social. Again, my grandmother is a prime example of this. She has parties ALL THE TIME. Not only that, but she is invited to a lot as well because she is full of life and always comes bearing gifts. THAT is the kind of old lady I want to be.

But it's time to get to the important stuff...
I do not want to be one of those old people that puts stuffed animals in their car. Why, oh why, do old people do this? It makes no sense to me. Are they lonely and talk to the animals? Do they feel like these toys are like watch dogs? Are they afraid that their airbag may not deploy in an accident and having a car full of fluffy animals will save their life? I don't get it...

And finally, when I get old I do not want to have a flat butt. Yes, that's right, a flat butt. Why is it that all old ladies have no rear end?! It's a mystery I have yet to unravel. Although I find the likelihood of this to be small for me (seeing as I can compete with J. Lo) I will not give up the idea of butt implants, should the need arise.

So that is the kind of old lady I want to be -- well educated, hip, trendy, social, world-travelled (minus the stuffed animals) with a great ass!

Spiritually bipolar

Time to be honest. Well, when aren't I, right?? :D

Right now I am having some serious spiritual doubts. I go through this from time to time. Tim said that I'm spiritually manic depressive or bipolar. I'll agree with that one.

For the last several weeks I really am beginning to wonder if I'm wasting my time. When I hear the Bible read I want to laugh out loud -- not with joy, but with disgust.

I "know" all the right things to say and do, but it's not really doing anything for me right now.

Maybe some of my apathy has to do with other Christians -- as I surround myself with more and more of them I find that I don't really agree with them most of the time. They seem every bit as judgemental as the rest of the world (if not more so). I find myself biting my tongue -- a LOT.

On the upside, I suppose I could be spending my time doing worse things than sitting in church.

If you feel inclined to pray for me, go ahead. At best it will help and if it's all crap then at worst it just wastes your time, but since you don't think so, then there really is no loss.

Sorry to be such a downer guys and gals! I promise to follow this one up soon with something more "typical". But hey, I gotta be honest right? I wouldn't be any good to anyone if all I ever gave you was the "fake" me :)

Class Clown

Yesterday, for my job, I had to attend a mandatory safety training. I work 3 hours per day as a secretary for our local community college. I see massive amounts of students walking around the campus daily (most of whom are there longer than I am each day) and my thoughts went something like this, "Why do I have to take this dumb training? What is unsafe about working at LCC? If it's SOOOO dangerous, why don't the students have to endure this?" (Well, I learned that I actually do work in an area where there are an exceptional amount of chemicals and highly flammable materials, but that's not really my point.)

As I'm sitting there, with about 20-some other new employees at this safety training, I find myself placed between a few of the co-workers from my department -- all of whom are AT LEAST 5-10 years my junior. In fact, I'd say that of the entire class, I was maybe one or two people away from being the oldest person in the room.

So, we endured about 10 minutes of lecturing about being safe, then began our first movie. And that's when the old nature came out. I'm giggling and making comments to the people around me about the horrid acting and contrived conversations (hey, it didn't help that one of the gals I was sitting next to was doing it too). I also found myself looking around the room, watching other people, looking at the ceiling...anything to keep from falling asleep watching the safety video.

When the lights came up it was time for question and answers. The lady conducting the class threw out some questions and some people in the class would answer them (no structure or anything, just blurting out answers). Then she asks a question about using some sort of chemical product and points directly at ME and asks what I should do. I think I answered appropriately...I don't really know. But it suddenly dawned on me, "I am the class clown! She singled me out because she knew I was goofing off!" At 35 (and only a hair away from being 36) I have not changed a BIT!!

You know how there is "one in every room"? Well that one was ME!!

I don't know why I am like that. I think that I'm realizing that I have some sort of mild ADD or something. If I'm not busy -- either fidgeting, drawing, talking, etc. -- then I cannot focus, nor can I stay awake. Also, part of it is that I know I can be kind of witty, so I like to share my gift with others :D

I've tried to sit still and be quiet, but it's rare that I'm able to accomplish that.

It was truly a trip to realize how that part of me has not changed one iota, especially since so much of me has changed a great deal. The funny thing is, I really don't want to change this part of me. Maybe I need to harness it's energy for good, rather than evil (like being singled out in class), but it's truly part of who I am. So, my question to you, dear friends, is what about you has remained the same over all these years? And is it something you want to change about yourself, or is it something you think makes you uniquely "you"?

Am I weird or is it just me?

O.k...first off, I KNOW I'm weird. In 8th grade one of my friends, Tracy Sangster, wrote in my yearbook, "Stay weird." I think she wrote other things too, but that part really stuck with me. You know that saying, "Everybody is normal until you get to know them" ? Well, I know that when people meet me they don't think that. But, because I truly believe that to be accurate for most other people, it got me to thinking -- what is weird about my friends? Maybe they really are way weirder than I am and they are just better at hiding it. Or perhaps because I have oddities about me, I just don't notice it in others...

For instance, when I shower, it is quite normal for me to dry my hands and/or face in the middle of the shower. Why? Because having wet hands and face is WAY annoying! I will dry my hands several times while washing dishes as well. Thank goodness I don't regularly spray myself in the face while doing dishes as well (notice how I say "regularly" because it does happen from time to time) -- having my face wet at unexpected moments is the WORST! Maybe I'm part cat??

One of my OCD traits is clean counter tops. Now, by no means am I truly OCD about it because I am quite certain that at any given moment you could drop by and I'd have crumbs on my counters. However, if I have 5 minutes to clean house, I will wipe down counters FIRST. It's worse in the bathroom. I wipe down the counters and the sink and the faucet. I've been known to get distracted in other people's homes while washing my hands. Next thing I know, their counters, sink and faucets are sparkling.

I play with my eyelashes a lot. It helps me think.

I smell things. I don't know why, but I'm in to how thing smell and I'm really sensitive to it. I don't just go up and sniff people or anything, but I smell things at stores...I could spend a LONG time in the perfume section, so I typically avoid it.

I LOVE having my head and feet massaged. You can forget about the middle...although I won't complain about a back rub either...but having my hair brushed or my feet rubbed is heavenly! One time when I acquired lice from a movie theater chair (yeah...another reason besides the outrageous prices to avoid the theater) I thoroughly ENJOYED having Tim go through my hair strand by strand for an hour several times per day. Ahhhh! Now, I wouldn't say that having lice was really worth it, but at least there was a bright side!

I'm afraid of spiders. I know that's not weird, but what is weird is that I'm really only afraid of brown ones. OOH! Or the ones that have those large, bulbous bodies ready to burst with all the eggs inside. You can't see it, but I shuddered just now. I'm not really all that scared of black spiders or jumping spiders. I think I acquired my fear of brown spiders because most carpet is brown and they blend it to it so they can sneak up on you. The brown ones are sneaky little suckers!! I really think they are the most evil of all spiders...

So, that's some of my weirdness laid out for all to see. Any of you normal folk care to share any of your weirdness with me??

Gimpy Blindo

My daughter Ashley is a klutz. She has her daddy's grace (which was passed down to him by his mother). At a youth group dodge ball game, my daughter managed to fracture her foot. Fortunately it wasn't a severe fracture...she used crutches and a silly looking shoe for about 6 weeks and was fine. But while she hobbled around, I took to calling her Gimpy.

About 2 weeks ago I took same daughter to have her eyes examined. Wouldn't you know it...she needs glasses! Turns out, trees aren't supposed to just be big green blobs -- who knew?! So now my daughter has a new name...a better name -- Gimpy Blindo.

We went shopping not too long after her blindo diagnosis and I had her carrying a bunch of stuff out to the car for me, so then I added to her name -- Gimpy Blindo Pack Mule...but I digress...

Anyway, with Ashley being lame of foot and blind of sight, it brought to mind how often our spiritual life is referenced as the ability to walk or see. It also seems that some of the biggest miracles were with regard to these physical abilities as well. Matthew 21:14 - "The blind and the lame came to him in the Temple, and he healed them." Of course, back then, being lame referred to how your legs worked (or didn't), and not how cool you were (or weren't).

What is it about the physical abilities to walk or to see?? They are two of the most treasured physical abilities we have. Back before the politically correct days of handicap parking spots, wide doors, ramps, etc., not being able to walk was difficult. Go back even further...to the days of the Bible, when there were no cars and the primary mode of transportation was your feet. The ability to walk was HUGE. There was no "Scooter Store" to buy your Little Rascal Scooter from. I swear when I get old I'm getting one of those...a red one with a basket!! Heck, I'm so lazy, I might get one now!

The Bible refers to two men, Enoch and Noah, walking with God in close fellowship (Genesis 5:24 and Genesis 6:9). Deuteronomy repeatedly refers to walking "in the ways of God" SIX times. You can walk in devotion (1 Kings 8:23), walk in fear (Nehemiah 5:9), walk in the presence of God (Psalm 56:13), walk in darkness (Isaiah 50:10), and walk humbly (Micah 6:8). Or you can walk "this way" (Aerosmith, 1975). Which makes me ask myself...how do I walk? In close fellowship? Hmm...if I'm honest, no...probably not. In the ways of God? ALL of them?! Hmm...well, I walk in SOME of them. Devotion, fear, darkness, humbly... That's a lot of walking!!

What about how we "see" God? Romans 1:20 - "For ever since the world was created, people have seen the earth and sky. Through everything God made, they can clearly see his invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature. So they have no excuse for not knowing God." I was fascinated by this quote...is seeing God, really that simple? We are currently in such an information age -- where knowledge is growing exponentially. Nothing is what it appears to be. How can it be that simple to merely see all of creation and say, "Yep. There must be a God." ??

God used blindness as a way to teach Saul (later, called Paul) His great power. How weak and defenseless you would feel if you suddenly had your sight taken from you! When God restored Saul's site, how wonderful all the world must have looked!! How much more he must have appreciated that gift. When I think of my life before knowing Christ, I think of it as my "blindo" phase -- I had no idea what life was really about. I was content to view the world through my own lens. Probably about as good as those x-ray glasses you used to be able to order off of the back of a comic book. Now when I view the world, I see it as a gift of God - the variety, the beauty, the people -- all of it made for me (and you too...maybe ;-) ) It is truly a revolutionizing change in perspective!

I don't want to be Gimpy Blindo, but sometimes I forget to walk in fellowship with God and I require my silly looking shoe. Sometimes I put those x-ray glasses back on because it makes me look cool...then I realize I'm missing out on what God is trying to show me. It's amazing how God uses the simple concepts of walking and sight to remind us just how valuable He really is.

I'm Here for the Party

So, the other day I posted a status update on Facebook about being grumpy and annoyed. People asked the obligatory, "Oh, why are you grumpy and annoyed?" and I answered that it was much too complicated to just sandwich in to a little reply.

Thus, this blog post is born!

In case you didn't know, or couldn't tell, I am a people person -- I THRIVE on social interaction. I like just about everyone...you have to be a special kind of jerk to get me to dislike you. So, I love going out with friends...having girl nights (either staying in or going out), having people over, going to BBQs, parties, camping trips...the whole gamut! But I rarely get to do any of these things. It makes me sad.

And a little annoyed.

And a little grumpy.

Part of my inability to go and do these things comes from my husband -- his job and his desire that I be home whenever he is. The hours of his job suck. I hate it. Because he works rotating shift, there are very few nights off that fall on weekends. Guess when normal people do fun stuff...that's right, weekends. So there are plenty of Tuesdays and Wednesdays that I could party like a rock star, but really, no one does that.

Combined with his crappy hours is his desire that I be home whenever he is. Because he works these strange hours and misses out on a lot of family time, he wants me to be home when he has those rare nights off. But when can I go out and socialize? When he's home with the kids. See the problem here??

But this isn't the entire problem. A lot of it is about people's perception of me.

Some people have this idea that because I'm a Christian, that I must look down my nose at people who drink or swear or party...etc. Obviously these people don't know me very well. But then I wonder, is it really about ME or is it about THEM? I mean, does my presence make them feel guilty (even though I don't think or say anything "bad" about them)?? If that is the case, then there is nothing I can do about that and it really pisses me off. Guilty by association to Christ.

I also had a friend recently tell me that because I'm married and have kids then she just doesn't think about asking me to do stuff, so she usually just focuses on her single friends. Funny thing is, she's married and has 3 kids too....hmmm. But, I guess to a certain extent, that is true...I can't just drop everything at a moment's notice and go dance the night away. But maybe a day or two of advance notice???

So then I wonder...are all of these things really just lame excuses people give because they really just don't want me around? If so, why? *SIGH* So, that, my dear friends, is why I was grumpy and annoyed the other day. Oh, and maybe still am...just a little ;-)~